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I am feeling amazingly disconnected right now.  I’m exhausted.  I seem to be in a constant state of exhaustion.  I’m working so many hours.  I’m feeling my way through difficult tasks at work, and am feeling more confident.  But here’s the thing.  I don’t want to be learning new things there.  I don’t want to be excelling.  I want to be working on my business.  I want to be coaching more, I want to breathe life into my 2 big projects.  I want to help people.

Yet, I’m exhausted.  I’m trying to be gentle with myself because I know that in about 3 weeks life will slow a bit.  Work, hopefully, will start being a smoother process.  And in the meantime, I exist in this almost sleepwalking mode.

How do you deal when you feel disconnected?

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I usually have Fridays off, but this week because of other events, I have Wednesday off.  Fridays I get the whole day with my boys, and my love gets home by noon, so it’s altogether family time.  Today, though, my love went to work.  My boys went to volunteer at the library as they do Monday-Thursday.  And I got some blissful time alone.

I took a long bath.  I meditated.  I got some chores done.  And I did a lot of thinking.  I’ve been in a very stressful job for years now.  And, I complain about this job.  A lot.  Recently there’s been some big changes.  Some of them make the work situation easier, some make it much harder.  I hold all my tension in my shoulders and I pull my upper ribs out.  There’s been a LOT of ibuprofen lately.  And a lot of icy hot!

I don’t care much for change.  That is an undeniable fact about me.  So, I began assessing today.  Am I staying at my job because I’m afraid of change?  Yes, somewhat.  Am I still at my job because they need me?  Well, yeah, they do.  Do I appreciate the relationships/connections I have there?  Oh, absolutely.  So… I sat with it awhile.  I do know that I won’t be there in a year.  It really has no future for me.  But for now, yes they need me, and I love my friends there, and I can continue trying to be the change they need.  So for now, I can stop struggling with that.  I do know that I will revisit this in about 2 months time though.  I’ll take the temperature, I’ll sit with it, and I will decide again.

I decided another thing as well.  I’m going to try to arrange my schedule to have the 2nd Monday of each month off.  I am going to become a practitioner for the Healing Arts Resource Project  downtown Portland.  Hopefully they will accept me (I’ve talked to them before but I wasn’t ready to make room for it), and hopefully scheduling can be arranged through my job.

I feel like that leap will be HUGE for my growth!  I will be able to make new contacts, some amazing connections, and my world will litterally enlarge.

Today was a big day.  I didn’t get much progress made on my projects.  But I feel like I’ve made space in my soul to do so.

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