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Posts Tagged ‘lessons’

I’ve blogged repeatedly about my Dad’s death.  He passed away February 13, 2010.  My entire grief process was shared very publicly on this blog.  Today I would like to share with you some of the stumbling blocks I had while dealing with Dad’s death. 

I had to return to work about a week after Dad died.  I had to try to put on a happy face.  I felt like I needed to be strong.  I began telling myself that all I had to do was “fake it til you make it”.  If I could just keep acting like everything was ok in my world, then it would be… right??

I shoved things away, internally.  I convinced myself that others were tired of hearing about my pain.  I put up walls, I attempted to ignore the emotions bubbling away inside me.  I cried sometimes, but almost always when I was alone.   I didn’t ask for any help.  Instead, I tried to be strong for others. 

All of these things… I learned from them, yes.  But each one of them acted like huge speed bumps in my grief.  Ignoring the pain, well, that’s just never going to work. 

During that time, Patti Digh posted on Facebook that she did not like the phrase “fake it til you make it”.  I jumped right in there to tell her just how wrong she was.  That sometimes, especially after the death of a loved one, it’s exactly the right thing to do.  If you are grieving, have to hold down a job, take care of your family, etc, that faking it til you make it is exactly what is needed.  Months later, I wrote Patti an email telling her how wrong I was.  I’m stubborn like that.

I dove into my online business.  I became a certified life coach.  I created an Artist Empowerment Class.  I showed my photography at local venues.  I was unstoppable.  And then guess what happened.  I stopped.  I lost my footing.  I  became ill.  I sat at my computer for hours at a time, and the screen would remain blank.  I melted down.  There were many times that I thougt of throwing in the towel.  What good is an online business with no new ideas.  I had lost my mojo. 

Not until I had a dream about my Dad, where he spoke to me, did I move forward again.  It’s been almost 2 years since Dad’s death.  Throughout those two years, I have not once stopped learning.  More than any other singular experience in my life, his death taught me what my path is.  I am meant to take all of those lessons and help others.  My light in this world is to ease others through this amazingly difficult journey of grief. 

Are you grieving?  Have you gotten stuck?  I can help you… contact me anytime.

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Dreams

This is a picture of my father.  He was known to most of his community as Rev.  He passed away in February of 2010.  Prior to his death, Dad read this blog every morning that he wasn’t in the hospital.  He was my biggest cheerleader.

At one point, Dad saw all that I was doing:  photography shows, contests, journal making, always working on tons of new stuff, coming up with new ideas, challenging myself.  Always on.  And he said to me “you need to slow down.  You are working too hard.  Take the time to smell the roses”  And I rebutted.  I defended all that I was doing.  I was driven, I had big plans and was moving forward.  I had momentum.

The other night, Dad came to me in a dream.  He wanted to know what happened.  He said he has noticed that I wasn’t moving forward, I had lost momentum.  He wanted to know why I had been sick for 5 weeks, why the spark had gone out.  He had a talk with me in the dream about many struggles I had been having.   Just as in life, he imparted wisdom.  He, as always, helped me to see clearly things that I’ve been refusing to see.  Things that were eating away at me, things that were keeping me down.

I’m well on the road to recovery… in so many ways.

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Thankful

 

I have a cold.  Congestion, sniffles, coughing.  Thankfully, pretty rare for me.  I’m downing lots of herbs, vitamins, and taking DayQuil today while I get a few things done.  But mostly I will rest.

I have been stressed out.  Living in a toxic job, working way too hard and too many hours, and battling insomnia due to the stress.  And now my body says enough!

I have so many plans, so many things I want to accomplish, but I know my body and I won’t push it right now.  I must listen, and acknowledge it’s wisdom.

I can see my dream job.  I know exactly where I will be in a year.  This is a tiny speed bump.  This job, oh the lessons it has taught me, and I will forever be thankful.  Even this cold, and it’s reminders, so thankful for the wake up call.

Life isn’t about easy.  It’s about how we handle the challenges.

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On Tuesday, our ferret died.  We got Gabriel 6 years ago, as a baby.  He was the sweetest soul, so gentle, and ever-loving to each ferret we had rescued over the years.  He was always the youngest, always the kindest.  My son had re-named him Raticus.  He was a conniving little guy, always trying to get into places that we had barricaded.  He had a stroke sometime on Monday, and drew his last breath Tuesday as I put the car in ‘park’ at the vet’s office.  Up until a half hour before his appointment, he was doing ok… walking all around, a little lean-y, but still getting into trouble.

We buried him…he has a beautiful spot in the forest.

His death taught me a lot.  I learned once again that life is too short.  It’s way to short to remain miserable or to surround yourself with miserable people.  Gabriel was loved.  He had happiness.  And oh so much mischief.  There is much to be learned from him.

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