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Posts Tagged ‘help’

I’ve blogged repeatedly about my Dad’s death.  He passed away February 13, 2010.  My entire grief process was shared very publicly on this blog.  Today I would like to share with you some of the stumbling blocks I had while dealing with Dad’s death. 

I had to return to work about a week after Dad died.  I had to try to put on a happy face.  I felt like I needed to be strong.  I began telling myself that all I had to do was “fake it til you make it”.  If I could just keep acting like everything was ok in my world, then it would be… right??

I shoved things away, internally.  I convinced myself that others were tired of hearing about my pain.  I put up walls, I attempted to ignore the emotions bubbling away inside me.  I cried sometimes, but almost always when I was alone.   I didn’t ask for any help.  Instead, I tried to be strong for others. 

All of these things… I learned from them, yes.  But each one of them acted like huge speed bumps in my grief.  Ignoring the pain, well, that’s just never going to work. 

During that time, Patti Digh posted on Facebook that she did not like the phrase “fake it til you make it”.  I jumped right in there to tell her just how wrong she was.  That sometimes, especially after the death of a loved one, it’s exactly the right thing to do.  If you are grieving, have to hold down a job, take care of your family, etc, that faking it til you make it is exactly what is needed.  Months later, I wrote Patti an email telling her how wrong I was.  I’m stubborn like that.

I dove into my online business.  I became a certified life coach.  I created an Artist Empowerment Class.  I showed my photography at local venues.  I was unstoppable.  And then guess what happened.  I stopped.  I lost my footing.  I  became ill.  I sat at my computer for hours at a time, and the screen would remain blank.  I melted down.  There were many times that I thougt of throwing in the towel.  What good is an online business with no new ideas.  I had lost my mojo. 

Not until I had a dream about my Dad, where he spoke to me, did I move forward again.  It’s been almost 2 years since Dad’s death.  Throughout those two years, I have not once stopped learning.  More than any other singular experience in my life, his death taught me what my path is.  I am meant to take all of those lessons and help others.  My light in this world is to ease others through this amazingly difficult journey of grief. 

Are you grieving?  Have you gotten stuck?  I can help you… contact me anytime.

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Shortly after Eric died, well, within 6 months, my marriage ended.   I attribute it a bit to the stress of Eric’s death.  My husband had seen just how short life was, but we had been having some very real problems before that.  I was in a state of shock when he told me “I just don’t love you any more and I haven’t for a long time”.  I was much too proud and too hurt at that point to fight for anything.  So, we separated.  I let him have his life, and we both moved to new homes.

We got along better than most divorcing couples, but we had our shameful moments where we put our 3 boys in the middle.  Thankfully those moments were few and far between.

The amazing thing about my divorce was that through the years we have remained friends.  Yes, it was the death of our marriage.  We grieved, each in our own ways.  We had been married for 12 years, and built our lives around one another.  Looking back, we each own our mistakes, and they were many.

When he first told me he didn’t love me any more, I went through the stages of grief.  I was in denial, I was mad as hell, and in being mad as hell, I was vindictive, as was he.  Thankfully we moved through that quickly.  Then I bargained.  “I promise to be a better wife…. I promise that things will be good, let’s just try again”.  I was depressed for a time, and finally I accepted it.

Those are the 5 stages of grief:  Denial, Anger,  Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Each and every person who deals with grief has to work through these stages in order to not be stuck in it.  Sometimes the stages are worked through in different order, sometimes you can breeze through one stage and get stuck on another for years.  Sometimes we can work through some of it on our own, and sometimes we need help.

I do have a small soapbox here.  I believe that so many times, children of divorce are drug through the muck.  My feeling is they are drug through a lot of crap because the parents aren’t willing to work through their grief.  Anger is a big one in any death, and anger in divorce seems to take over for so many people.  The children suffer.  If more people would get help with their grief during this time, I think that the children could be spared so much.

I’m not advocating divorce, I can imagine the backlash now.  However, the divorce rate is high.  If you are going through this, and need a little help, I welcome you to come see me at http://www.empoweredlife.biz  Together we can work through your pain.

 

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