I’ve never told this full story to my online world. It is difficult. And it was grief ridden. Here goes.
Deep Breath
About 6 years ago, after my alzheimer’s job, I had to get out of the small town I lived in. I saw no future whatsoever there. The town was dying. There were no jobs. Absolutely no room to advance. So I decided after a lot of deliberation that I needed to move towards Portland, Oregon. 5 hours away.
My 3 sons stayed with their dad while I moved. And the plan was for them to move up after I got settled. That was the plan. Getting settled took a couple of months, but soon I was doing well and had an apartment big enough for the boys to fit into with us.
My ex began talking about the boys staying with him. I would hear nothing of it and made that very clear. Then I started noticing that when I called, my middle son wouldn’t come to the phone. When he was made to talk to me, it was very short.
What happened in their minds at that point was that for the first time ever, we were at war, their father and I. And they were right smack dab in the middle.
I was served with custody papers at work. My world came crashing down. I cried for days.
After I was cried out, I sat down and journaled. I poured my heart out. I wrote for about a dozen pages when I was stunned by what I discovered.
I called my ex husband. He was none too pleased to hear from me, as we were at war and I had not been too kind. I asked him if he was sitting down. What I told him was that I had been really struggling with this, and could fight him til my death, but that no one would win, especially the children. But after all was said and done, he was a good dad. And so, I would not be fighting him. I wanted what was best for the children, and they wanted to stay there.
Then I cried some more.
Sometimes, even if you know you are doing the right thing, grief comes. For years on Mother’s Day, I tried to hole myself up, to not go out. I couldn’t stand random strangers telling me happy mother’s day.
Fast forward 6 years. The oldest lived with me for a year after he graduated, and we are all so very close. The boys know that I respected them with my decision. And when they come up for the summer, for the holidays, for spring break, we pack as much as we can into our time.
We often have family time together, the ex, his girlfriend, his parents, the boys, me, and my love. We are blessed. And I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t be where we are today had the war continued.
You are a very smart lady!! Kudos to you for doing the right thing! xxoo
You know, I count you among my bestest of friends… thank you so much
You are such a wonderful strong person, Robyn. I simply can feel you. And it makes me run over and give you the biggest hug in the world!
Big hugs to you! Thank you!
This broke my heart but you did indeed do the right thing. ((HUGS))
Thank you, my friend.
the tears are flowing, Robyn – my heart goes out to you. What incredible wisdom you show (and show-ED) – and what LOVE.
For a mama to see past the huge heart-desire (desire is too small a word here, but I can’t think of another) of caring for her sons, being with them — past that to the bigger picture, oh my word – words fail me here. I am bowing.
Thank you so much Karen… yes, my desire is to be with them every.single.day… but well…
What an awesome and amazing act of kindness you did for your children. I wish all parents could put their kids’ needs first.
Thank you, Loran! I share that same wish!
I have been in several such fights- and the situation is just awful. Only when you are absolutely positive that there is a profound difference in the potential results between one parent or another should this happen. Both parents need to wake up.
In my case, my stepson was invited by his college to find new opportunities. He decided that my offer of a place to stay, a job, and discussions to determine what the heck he wanted to do/be- could make a difference. So, he joined our abode for about 18 months. And,has been welcomed ever since. (BTW, he figured it out- got his degrees, sweated through a series of promotions- and then found his perfect choice (because he now has kids of his own and wants to be home and not working as a chef at all hours of the night)).
Life can be grand when we recognize our opportunities.
It can be a horrible, ugly situation, for sure. Glad it all worked out!
Robyn you really put your boys first and this is commendable! So many parents don’t And it is so damaging to the children when they are stuck in the middle of their parents battle. You ate a strong woman.
Thank you so much Petrea!
Wow. You are amazing. I don’t many who would see through it that way in the midst of it all. And now because of it you are loved more than ever, by your boys.
So many are driven by the rules of “supposed to”, “traditional”, “the way it always has been”… and yet those steadfast rules bring much harm and sadness over a life time.
Wonderful job and happy true mother’s day every single day to you.
Aloha wags!
Thank you! I think if we all had mutual respect, the world would be so different.
Robyn,
Your unconditional love for your boys is evident by your willingness to grieve their loss while honoring their wishes. What courage, strength, and humility you showed them and yourself. Thank you for sharing your heart and authenticity!
Thank you so much Carrie!
You made the ultimate self-sacrifice for your children…which is the very definition of motherhood: putting their needs before yours. What a beautiful touching story. I am honored that you shared it with us. I have some still unresolved custody & kid “guilt”, and your words gave me strength and brought me one step closer to peace of mind and acceptance of my choices. I am so happy for you that as time passed, the grace of your grief was the respect gained by all involved and the deep love your boys have for you.
Laurie, I hope you get the peace of mind you deserve soon. It’s a difficult one! If I can be of any help, let me know!
Oh, Robyn – I can only imagine how hard this must have been for you. I love that this part of your story had a happy ending, but you had no way of knowing that back then. And yet still you made the hard decision. You’re an amazing, inspiring person, you know that?
Robyn,
You are a woman of courage I commend you, and in the end, it worked out beautifully when you didn’t even know how it would work out in the end,
Just goes to show when you follow your heart/intuition, it’s right.
Thank you for sharing your brave story.
patti
Yes, Patti… the older I get, the more I realize that the answers are within! Thank you
*big hugs* Thank you for having the courage to share this story. I honestly can’t imagine the strength it took to make the decision you did and to stick with it, but I’d bet any amount of money it comes from being a great mom. It makes me so happy to hear that the sacrifice you made still resulted in a loving relationship with your sons.
Thank you Ellie, I am truly blessed, that’s for sure!
I love my children, probably more than my own life. I stayed with their father just for their sakes. He wasn’t the nicest man in the world, but that was my choice. I did what I had to do even though it hurt. They were adults when I left, but the reverberations continue six years later. I would like to celebrate holidays with him and my children. I think that it is great that you can. I also think you did what you had to do even though it hurt. We both have come out on the other side.
We have indeed come out on the other side, Ann… and much stronger for it!
Robyn, doing what you did took a lot of strength and it was a really amazing thing to do. Not many people could be that selfless. I’m sure as your boys have grown older, they’ve realized what a huge sacrifice that was on your part, and appreciate it as such. Big hugs! ❤
Michelle, thank you so much! Big hugs to you!
Thank you so much for writing this and for being the kind of mother to put her kids first. Reading your piece brought me to tears. I was the kid caught in the middle between waring parents. Eventually, my mom decided to do what you did and walked away. I always wondered why she gave up fighting but after reading this I am thinking that perhaps she maybe was putting me first.
Emma, my heart goes out to you. I agree, that most likely your mom did finally decide to put you first. That says a LOT about her love for you! Big hugs to you!
Thank you so much for responding to my comment. I wanted to take the time to thank you because reading your response and this post has really helped me to begin the process of forgiving my mother and I am incredibly grateful for that.
What an example of pure love, strength and courage.
Much love to you!